I'm Scared

Tuesday, February 09

By A


I dont really know how to start this is if I'm being honest. Jesus, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. I'm only doing this cause I'm scared, I know that. I feel safe behind the lies, brings me comfort that nobody knows yet. But I know I shouldn't be. I'm only doing this here becuase I dont think anybody I know will read this but I need to tell somebody. Anybody. I know my parents wouldn't care. I've been told before, "we wouldn't care if you were", and while it's nice to know I guess and at the time I had thought, 'well I'm not and I don't so it doesnt matter' but it does now because I am and I do. God I hope nobody I know and like sees this. What a shitty way to find out. What is a good way to find out though? A cake? I dont get why it's something I have to announce to the world. It makes me uncomfortable. Would people be annoyed if I never told them? Probably. But why? What grounds do they have to be annoyed? Why didnt they just ask? I've had my mam tell me it would be okay, but no ones ever asked. Do people find it offensive when people ask them or something? Why is that? Why are people so offended by it? Well, I know why but it makes no sense to me. 

I dont want to tell people. Not because I dont want them to know, I'd rather if they just found out without me having to make some big announcement. I dont want my private life on facebook, thanks mam. The idea of telling people scares me so much. What about my nanny and grandad? I don't think they'll understand. My grandad said before that he was staying alive until he had made sure we were all normal. He meant straight. I am not. Surprise grandad. 

I probably could have just said that in the beginning, made it easier to understand, but I thought how I was feeling fit how so many other people feel about so many different things, that I didnt want to make it about just one. I didn't want put it in a box like so many other things are in the world. I'm so scared. I know I've said that a lot but it scares the shit out of me. Not being bisexual, I'm fine with that, but telling people. I know that people say, 'oh if they're homophobic they dont matter anyway', and stuff like that and I get that, but these are people that I love. I dont want to loose them. I wont, deep down I know that. They'll be supportive. But theres always that little voice saying, 'what if they're not? What if they leave you? What if they hate you?' God I hope they're not homophobic. 

I dont want to be treated differently. I think that's why I'm so scared. I dont want to be treated any differently to how I am right now. I dont wanted to be treated like I'm fragile or special and I really, really dont want my freinds to treat me any differently. My friend and I were talking the other day and she had just found out that our P.E. teacher was lesbian. "Does that not make you uncomfortable?" That's what she said to me. I'm so scared of that reaction. I told her that she's taught by straight males for like half of her classes. She said it's different. It's not. Please dont treat me any different. 

That's kind of all I wanted to say. I just needed to tell anbody and this seemed like the best place. A bunch of faceless readers. I find comfort in that. I know I've said this so many times now but it scares me so much. I dont want to have to tell people. I dont want people to be annoyed at me for not telling them. I wouldnt wish this fear on anybody to be honest. I think about it 24/7. Even when I'm not thinking about it, it's always there, in the back of my mind. 

Thanks for reading I guess.


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