Does everyone else still miss their old friends? The ones who slowly slipped out of your life. The ones you used to smile at every day but now you avoid each other like you never knew each other.
Or is there something special about this situation that tethers my thoughts to you?
My first regret is that I wish I could've changed how I was to you. I was too young to know that I was in love with you. At least, I think I was. I still think of you now, but I don't know when it changed from friend to crush. If it ever did. These love things are so confusing. How can anyone know if they're in love with someone? And how can I sort it out when you don't even talk to me anymore?
When it happened, it felt like a breakup, except the difference is that I can't tell anyone about how I won't get to love you anymore, because I was never supposed to love you. I can't tell anyone how much I miss you because I told them that I hated you before. But even if I did hate you, some part of me thought of you every single day, some part of me missed you with a terrible aching pain that I cannot begin to describe. It's like someone had reached into me and pulled out everything. Empty. And pain. If that makes any sense.
I remember being mad at you when we had officially separated. I didn't even know why it had happened. I was just mad and sad. I remember texting you, asking why only to be left on read. All I could do was cry and be mad at you. But at some point in the past two years, that anger turned into something else. How could that have happened?
Now, I still see you in the halls, laughing with your new friends. I feel a pang of regret every time I see it, you without me. I kind of understand it now. I don't think I was a good friend to you. It's hard to tell through the haziness of childhood memories, but I can remember doing mean things to you. I think you also did mean things to me, but my feelings for you now block it all out.
And even though I daydream of you each day, I'm only imagining a false version of you based on your old self. Not even the version I remember, but the version I wish I knew. It makes me so sad to think that you're drastically different than how you were with me. I'm different too, but I want you to see how I am now. If only I had another chance, I would be much better to you, I promise.
Just talk to me again, please. I promise things will be different, okay? I promise.
