I remember the last day we spent, 1600 hours, I saw you sitting in the cafe waiting, your annoyed face for I was 1 hour late, I laughed at your silly threat to leave. Our hands interlocked walking together, looking at each other, how did I get you? You were like honey on my lips. I told my doctor I had sweet tooth, which meant I was addicted to you, which meant I couldn’t stop myself from craving your presence in the darkest of nights, which meant, sometimes, in my dreams, I visited you, in places we’d think about, talk about visiting.
With you, it made sense, or so I thought. The idea of you maybe? Before I knew, I needed you, craved your presence, I needed you more than I needed myself, Loved you more than myself. You were on a train and I, on the platform, standing, staring as you slowly drift away from my sight into oblivion. Although the rain moved slowly, I swear it was 2 milliseconds and you were gone. Just like that. My last message to you “I love you” brought memories I didn’t want anymore, cravings I couldn’t deal with anymore.
My doctor told me my sweet tooth was the reason I avoided all sweets now, honey did not seem nearly appealing. And now I sit here and wonder, how lost I was, in you, and I thank the universe you left me because you taught me to love myself, to need myself. Yes, you left me broken, space and time didn’t make sense, your inconsiderate honey eyes didn’t ponder upon my broken heart. Now I think about it, everything about you triggered my flight or fight reaction, every time I chose flight, while you fought. The one time worth fighting for, you chose to fly away.
Let this be my lesson, to wait for something that feels like honey, and teaches me to love myself. My doctor recommends never settle if it doesn’t trigger your fight reaction.
Allow me to explore the mind in every neurotransmitter, in every dopamine dosage, allow me to explore myself, and write myself into poems I produce and stories I write, because nobody loves you like you. And yes, I will wait for my honey, the one which rebrands my sweet tooth, the one worth fighting for.
Every person is either a lesson or your story, you, my darling were my lesson, precisely what not to do, what not to settle for. I deserve to be treated like the bees treat their honey. And I will wait for it.